NEED ADVICE: My boyfriend is 21 stationed in Cali I'm 18 in Ohio I'll be a sophomore in college. We planned to get married after my first year but due to the distance and only seeing eachother 1 time the past year & my growing fear of moving away we didn't get married. My parents aren't supportive and no one seems to understand. I love him & want to be with him but am afraid of having no job, college degree, or friends. I don't want to go on like this for 3 more years though. What do I do?
Hi there! :) To make it a little easier, I will be breaking down your message into different parts.
1) Moving: Let me tell ya. You are definitely not alone with being afraid of moving. I was completely terrified from moving away from what I know and grew accustomed to. My family and friends helped me get through my SO’s basic training and deployment, so naturally I was scared out of my mind to be moving away from that support. But, truthfully, I had to push my own fear aside and I couldn’t let it bring me down because I already knew that moving was something I am going to do. I knew it would be a challenge being in a completely different surrounding but I knew I wouldn’t be in it alone. It would be an experience you and your boyfriend would be sharing together. :) ~ But also, there are days where I just miss being home and if I can’t fly home, then just talking to family and friends on the phone will help me get through the tough time. Moving is a big step but at least your location is only temporary. :)
2) College: If you and your boyfriend do decide to get married, then there are helpful programs you can look into through the military. If moving is in your future, then I would consider using the resources and continue on towards your degree. It may be a unfamiliar place, but don’t let it stop you from achieving your goals. Your goals define who you are, and that’s one thing I’ve witnessed and learned about being a milso. After settling, unpacking and knowing the importance of the town and base, I would continue to do any hobbies that you’ve might have done when being home. If it’s like sports, going to the gym, taking your dog’s (if you have any) to the dog park, continue to do that after you move. It can help with getting a routine started, things to keep your mind of any fears still lingering around. Plus, you can meet new people with similar interests. Which brings me to #3.
3) Friends: If and when you move, you’ll totally feel like an outcast at first, but keep in mind it won’t always be that way. In the milso community there will always me a rotation of new people who probably have the same nerve wrecking thoughts as we do. But at the end of the day, I believe we’re just looking for that support and friendship from each other, the ones who would understand the situation. It temporarily fills the void of missing those at home. ~ There are several ways you can meet other milso’s. For the base my husband is stationed at, there is a Facebook page specifically for their spouse’s. I’m sure your boyfriend will be able to find out more information about that, if there happens to be one. Also, their work days can be extremely tiresome and stressful that there will most likely be days where he wants to relax with friends or loosen up a bit on the weekends and have a night out in town. With that said means gatherings of other military members who will most likely bring their spouse. It’s a really awkward way in meeting people, in my opinion, because I feel like a child who’s been brought along for for a playdate…But usually it helps knowing there’s others in a similar situation and maybe you’ll become fast friends with a few of them. :)
4) Job: Again, if married, there’s another program through the military that your SO can help you look into. They specifically help milso’s the best they can in all aspects. Another way, is searching before hand the area you’ll be staying. There could be something of your interest, outside of base, where you would like to work.
5) Support & Understanding: Having support, to me personally, is something needed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be from your parents, although it’s a huge situation, but if you move, most of the support you’ll be reaching for will be coming from your SO. The both of you will be relying on each other more than you would think. ~ But back to parents. I think being against the situation is a mechanism of protection, this being from parents in general. They could probably sense your hesitation about the entire situation that they don’t want you to make a decision until you’re fully ready to commit to it. Now, I can be completely wrong seeing how I don’t know your parents as well as you do, but sitting them down and talking to them may help. It’s easier said then done, I know.. but maybe if they can open up about their fears on letting you go, then maybe you can return the gesture and talk through your fears with them. They might be able to help you through it and maybe you’ll get answers to whether it’s something you truly want to do.
These are just points from my experience of being a milso, but I have to say.. Please do not feel pressured into moving or getting married if your heart is telling you otherwise. They are both such huge steps in life, so when making your decision ask yourself if it’s really something you want to do and if you can live with the changes.
I’ve met several milso’s who got married at your age and are still happily married at the age of 25. I know it’s not too far, but it’s still an achievement. Then there’s other SO’s who I’ve met, who are married, but their better half stayed behind in their home state. All seems to be working for them too, and in that case it would all come down to trusting each other. But again, it’s comes down to what you prefer and what you’re comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to stand your ground with any decision you decide. It’s your future after all. :)
OH! One more thing. Before I moved, I actually flew down from the west coast to the east coast, and spent about a month here before making any commitments to moving. Kind of like testing the waters and seeing how it is for him to go off to work and things like that. Maybe that could be an option for you? :)
I’m sorry this is so long, but I hoped it helped in some way. And feel free to message me any time. I wish you and your SO the best of luck!
PS. California is a fun state! Although, I may be a little bias since I’m from there. :)
Do you ever have days where you just feel like you need a good scream? I'm fairly new to this whole military life and I already feel like I can't handle it.. Help :(
Plenty! Just like I mentioned in the previous ask, it’s a normal feeling. But you can’t let this new experience define you in a negative way. Take it by the horns and explore your new surroundings. After all, it is only temporary. ..Unless both you and your SO decide to make permanent :)
If there is one truth of advice you can give to incoming milso's based upon your experience, what would it be?
"It doesn’t get any easier.. You just get stronger."
Out of all quotes I’ve came across, those few words have held it’s ground. And I think those who are new should know that there will be days where you’ll probably feel like breaking down, and that is completely ok.